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THE LAWN DIVISION BX • Established 2004. Operational since.
Established 2004. Operational since.
Mission
The lawn.
Area Of Responsibility
Zero point four one acres, including the strip by the mailbox that technically belongs to the county but which is, in every way that matters, mine.
Current Threat Level
MODERATE (grubs)
Chain Of Command
- Gary. Commander. (See nameplate.)
- Karen. Veto authority. Unlimited. Non negotiable.
- The Dog. Non compliant. Under review since 2019.
Equipment Registry
- Primary mower. She has never once failed me.
- Secondary mower. Also mine. Do not ask.
- Edger. Acquired 2011. Still under warranty by my reckoning.
- Blower. LOUD. This is a feature.
Standing Orders
- Nobody parks on the grass.
- Nobody.
- I have spoken to the Hendersons.
Rules Of Engagement
I will wave. I will always wave.
But I will remember.
Incident Log
| DATE | INCIDENT | STATUS |
|---|---|---|
| April | Delivery van achieved partial grass contact. One (1) tire. Photographed. Measured. The company has been written to. | AWAITING APOLOGY |
| May | A child's ball entered the airspace. The ball was returned promptly and with a short briefing on trajectory. | CLOSED |
| June | The Hendersons' sprinkler achieved overspray onto the strip by the mailbox. The strip is county property. It is also MY strip. | SPOKEN TO |
| June | Dale reported "surveillance activity" in the oak tree. Investigation determined it was a squirrel. Dale maintains the squirrel arrived shortly after the QR codes did. | CLOSED (DALE DISSENTING) |
| Ongoing | Grubs. | MODERATE |
Mowing Doctrine
Direction rotates weekly. Monday diagonal, following Monday counter-diagonal. The grass must never learn the pattern.
Lines shall be visible from the kitchen window and, when conditions permit, from space. NASA has not confirmed. NASA has not denied.
The dog's opinion has been noted and filed under "The Dog."
- Gary
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